visit

so it's been 3 months today since matthew and i first started talking. it's such an amazing feeling knowing that there is someone in this world who really loves you and wants to spend the rest of their life with you. knowing that someone picked you, and doesn't want anyone else, is incredible. i love matthew so much it's insane. haha.

but being this in love with matthew is really hard because he lives so far away. he planned on trying to come out here this summer. he talked to his parents about them helping him with the cost and that he would pay the back, they said we'll see. so the other day i asked him to be completely honest with me and if he really thought he's gonna be able to make it out here this summer. he said probably not because his brother and sister are getting married this summer. ah that was so hard to hear. hearing that it's gonna be even longer until i get to see him. i don't know how i'm gonna do it. i don't know how i can wait to be in his arms any more. but he has to come out here. i have to know that he is really serious about being with me. and one way to know that is by him coming out here. if i go out there first, he may not ever come to san diego. i need to know that he's absolutely serious about being with me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.

im sooooooo sad i just don't know what to do. i really believe that he wants to come out here but im not seeing that happening any time soon. and that's so hard. in my last blog i said that i am willing to wait, and that's still true but that doesn't mean this isn't hard. when i try to tell matthew that, i think he takes it the wrong way. i don't think he understands how hard this really is for me. he says he does but it's like he's the only one cherishing the time we have together right now. i do cherish this time and i love it, but i would love it so much more if he was here with me. if we could just finally be together.

one night when we were texting he asked me to run away with him. i was so serious and wanted to do it, but of course he was the rational one and said it couldn't happen. neither of us are in a position to move. we both have school, i have my job, our families are where we live. even though the idea of running off together and getting married sounds so amazing, it wouldn't be smart. and it's not the way i want to start out relationship. if we're gonna get married, i want to do it the right way. i want our families and friends to be there so they can hear just how much i love him. if we're gonna be together forever, i wanna do it right and not start off with our families upset because we ran off together.

this relationship is just a lot harder than i ever thought it would be. but i'm willing to work things out and wait it out to see what God has in store for us as a couple. i can only pray that matthew and i are meant to be together for the rest of our lives. i can only trust God that if we are going to be together forever, that things will work out in His timing. it's hard to just give up all my trust to God, but it's something i have to do if i want to keep my insanity.